This is me: excited to get on a pair of roller skates
Do that thing that makes you come alive. Find your passion and let it fuel you. Don’t lose sight of the world around you, the dreams you’ve always had. Don’t forget the friends who are soulmates, and the experiences that shape you. Let one weekend in a little city in Oklahoma change you. Let three brothers in a band make you.
Allow the thing you love to become you. Allow yourself to get lost in passion and forget who you might have been. Remember the teenager inside you, aching to come out. Learn everything you can about everything. Grow wings and fly.
Read the books that break you. Love the people even though it might hurt you. Be wild and free. Be alive and awake. Be aware. Create your bucket list and check off items. Add more things. Never finish that list. Sing the songs on repeat until they’ve memorized. Detail lives and experiences on your skin. Document your life in words and pictures.
Know what you believe in. Go after it. Jump far for it. Fight for your beliefs. Fight for yourself. Fight for everyone around you.
You’ve only got this one life. We aren’t immortal creatures. Live that one life.
Do that thing.
I have done so many diets. I have read more diet/ nutrition books than you could count. I have intended on starting fasts, detoxes, and flushes. I’ve joined Weight Watchers / was a member of Weight Watchers at least once a year since I was seventeen.
I am so damn tired of it all.
I’m a body positive person. I’ve spent my life struggling with my body and my mind, the scale and my health stats. All of this. I don’t think to be fat means you are unhealthy. You can be healthy and overweight. You can be thin and unhealthy. You can be a normal weight and unhealthy. I’ve seen it, but that was never me.
To be healthy you need to love yourself. And loving yourself includes loving the body you are in right now. It includes giving yourself a huge hug and settling into self-care routines. It doesn’t matter if you want to change your body or not. You need to love it, and to appreciate it. It’s the only one you’ve got. If you have legs, they are what carries you. If you are seeing, your eyes are what give you light. If you have hair, it’s because you choose to. And if you don’t have these things, there are other aspects of your body that are there for you all the time. Your heart. Your skin. Your veins.
You cannot be healthy and be full of self-hate. You can’t try to scare yourself into good health. You can’t read books and gain knowledge and hope that changes your actions. You can’t watch YouTube videos and buy workout machines and hope that it will bring you help or a pants size.
Everything about you starts from within. It starts with you and it starts with loving you.
This blog is about loving yourself. It’s about owning self-love, and learning how to be kind to yourself. And right now, it’s also about my journey into health. This journey includes changing my lifestyle. It might be in a way that you’re uncomfortable or unfamiliar with. But that’s on me. This is my journey, too. I finally feel like I’m at a spot in my life where I love myself enough to allow myself to change.
For years I have been frozen, yo-yoing back and forth. I’ve talked to myself in negative ways. I’ve been at a place where I have cried because I couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t figure out what to do. I couldn’t figure out how to proceed. And usually, this is when I give up.
I’m not going to give up anymore. I’m trying things, and if they don’t work I’ll try something else.
I have blood work that points to numbers I don’t like. I have clothes I don’t find flattering. I have aches where I don’t want aches. I want to feel strong and in control. There’s someone inside me wanting to come out. And I know sometimes that’s a trope, a misconception, that people are pissed off when another person thinks or implies that about a fat person. I know this, but this is how I feel. Part of me is buried, and I want her to come out. Maybe, really part of her is emerging right now and I am working on shaping her. It doesn’t matter, things are changing and that’s what I want you to know.
So this blog that’s about me and you and what I love and self-love is also about me and my journey and my health. It’s about me seeking to be who I am, who is buried inside me. It’s about me carving out my future. And by doing this I am helping you to figure out how to do this for yourself. I hope that makes sense. I hope I’m not speaking in huge sweeping promises, cheesy verses to pull you in.
Basically, I have to start with me. And that’s what I’m doing. So please, don’t be turned off by body positive posts next to posts about my journey into health.
The importance in life is making it everything we want it to be. The importance is finding you and letting that version shine – if that’s what you want. The importance is connecting and feeling loved and loving yourself. The importance is knowing you are important. You are magical. You are loved. And bringing all of these concepts to life.
I turned 30 last week.
I originally thought about posting that traditional post about all the things I’ve learned, or thirty things about something something something. In my experience that’s generally how the blogosphere handles birthdays, with advice and knowledge and wisdom. I’ve certainly made those types of posts before.
But this year, even though thirty is a big deal milestone type year (only because it’s a new decade, really. a new beginning to the overall number) I don’t feel like making a list of things I already know/ knew but needed to personally learn. I don’t feel like writing out the things I’ve posted about before, or forcing insightfulness where it’s not necessary. Nope.
Instead I want to tell you about time.
We view time as linear, it moves in a straight line further and further away from our start, someone’s start, The Start. We talk to ourselves about how time goes by so fast, and it’s already the next season, and what happened to age 29? But what if time doesn’t work like what? What if time slows down when we do things intentionally and pay attention? What if time becomes more valuable because of the way we live our lives?
So THIRTY is going to be about intention.
My time off is weird because I often don’t have weekends off like I used to, which are the days that everyone else has off. So often I’m off during the week and I’m not sure how I want to spend my time (though I know how I should be spending it). I recently texted a friend telling her that I wanted to be productive that day, and she asked me what I was hoping to accomplished. For some reason I hadn’t put the two together, as if in order to be productive I have to have a goal in mind. I’ve been spending a lot of time feeling a bit suspended and lost. I think it’s because either I’ve let my goals slide away (Ahem, like NaNoWriMo) or I just failed to make them.
I’m busy wandering, unsure of what to do with myself, even though there are things to be done. I forget who I am or who I want to be and fail to do the things to make me That Person. I don’t do yoga or dance or write or simplify/ declutter or try cooking a recipe or anything. I just don’t.
And so time, no matter if it’s moving forward or in circles, is just slipping away.
And suddenly I’m thirty. And I feel like I should have just turned twenty-five. I’m not sure where the years went, but there wasn’t much intention in them. I didn’t save the money I wanted to save, exercise the way I wanted to exercise or figure out how to eat in a way that works for me.
I just didn’t do these things.
And if you keep not doing the things that resonate with you, even if they’re hard, even if you have to force yourself to do them, even if they make you cry, then you’re not living with intention. You’re just surviving, drifting and suddenly the years are gone.
And that, my dears, is time. And how I feel in the beginning of my thirties. I hope that next year when I turn thirty-one I’ll feel a bit better about all this. We shall see.