I haven’t been here in forever.
There was a time when I had spent all my free time devouring the words of others and trying to figure out how to make my own words, how to make a mark on the internet. The way to make a mark changes so rapidly, it’s fascinating. People have moved on to Instagram and YouTube, making videos and using hashtags. They’ve turned their blogs into businesses. They’ve quit and relapsed and privitized their lives. They’ve moved on and do things and experienced life and remained on the internet somewhere. They’ve made and lost connections, found art, moved on to other platforms.
Personal blogging is a weird thing. It’s one of those things that no one cares about. You can’t make money off writing about yourself (except, actually, you can. That’s what a memoir is). You have to be interesting and OFFER something to people. That’s what I’ve learned.
I’m calling bullshit on that, actually. I’m calling bullshit on the need to produce something for someone else in order for them to be interested. I’d rather produce something for myself so that I can be proud. And I’ll leave it here on your internet doorstep, in case you want to take a peak.
I know that 2018 was this huge, transformative year, and nothing specific happened to do that. I know that while I’ve spent summers unmotivated wanting my summer that changes things, my job that makes everything different, that relationship that is The One, I’ve wasted* energy, that paycheck that will change the world, those words that will change minds.
What I’ve learned is:
You’ve gotta do it for yourself.
AND You have to choose your battles. Even with yourself. I’m still learning that.
My therapist suggested I set a timer. Five minutes. I have five minutes to feel anxious and frustrated with myself for whatever nonsense my brain is cooking up. After the timer goes off, it’s time to move onto other things. I haven’t tried it yet, but I’ll let you know how it goes.
That’s all I’ve got for now. It’s almost time to go, I should be collecting my things, recycling plastic cups and dreaming about what I’m going to order in my Ramen noodles tonight.
What are you doing tonight?
* I haven’t wasted energy. Depression isn’t wasted energy. It’s energy spent in limbo, sure. It’s a lack of energy. A lack of desire. But. We cannot help these things. We cannot always crawl out when we can’t find the way. I say this because on paper, and often times in my mind I have to tell myself this. I haven’t wasted years. I’ve lived and learned and there’s no regretting. There’s no looking back.