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April 2018: Old School Ponderings

I got an e-mail today notifying me that this domain had renewed. I had to rush to the bank so I could deposit at least $2, so I wouldn’t overdraft that account that I barely use anymore. I’ve been thinking a lot about blogging lately. I’ve been thinking about what it means to me, and what it used to mean. I’ve been trying so hard to put my blogging thoughts into a box, to become something marketable and to squeeze this place into a niche that it’s all become stagnant.

And that is not how I want it to be.

Way way back in the day there was OpenDiary, and online journal where you could be anonymous if you chose. You could meet people and connect with them on different levels than in real life. I did that many times over. I made lasting friendships and traveled places I never would have thought to travel. We moved on from OpenDiary to Xanga then Livejournal. Livejournal was the community that thrived back when I was in college especially. Right as Myspace was becoming a thing.

I’m going to stop right there to let that sink in.

College & Myspace.

That dates these thoughts to 11-15 years ago. That dates me quite a bit as well.

Now community is elsewhere. It’s on Facebook and Instagram. There are groups and Reddit communities and Twitter parties. There are Snapchat groups and websites and e-mail newsletters. We are all spread so thin that we have to connect in many ways. Often companies and blogs will promote themselves across different platforms, which is fine, but it gets redundant when you’re seeing the same images and thoughts everywhere. People read less blogs. They watch YouTube videos and Instagram stories. I find myself wondering where my interests lie. My Instagram feed fills up with pictures of food and open air, yet I want my blog to have more than that. I feel split in a way that only I feel it. Should I change my name somewhere? Should I just let things be the same.

And then I come back to myself and the act of being frozen in indecision, allowing life to move along around me. And that isn’t something that feels good to me, either.

What does feel good? I wonder this sometimes when I’m obsessing over the current series I’m reading (A Court of Thorns and Roses, I’m rereading book 3, if anyone is wondering) and can’t help but lay down and just listen. What tastes good? What is good? It’s so easy to get caught up in the every day that we forget what we are doing and we forget to be here right now, today. Weeks are taking forever to go by. It’s almost May. and yet IT’S ALMOST MAY. The weather has been terrible. We are getting toward the middle of the year. And it still feels like February is slowly passing through.

I’m not committing to anything by writing this blog post, but I am wanting to think more and to feel the keys beneath my fingers move. I’m wanting to remember words and unlock my thoughts again. I’m wanting this familiar feelings of community in a disjointed world. I’m wanting to create something for myself.

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