I forgot to take a picture at the beach today. I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of beach pictures, especially mine with the same points of view. But I had to document the day. It’s been roughly 65 degrees and sunny all day. I didn’t need to wear a jacket or even sleeves. I’ve had the day off from making coffee, but instead I’ve been doing some errands and working on a presentation that’s due soon. I had to bring myself to the beach and sit there near the waves (okay, I admit, I didn’t leave my car – but I could still hear the waves). I usually go out to the beach with the intentions of thinking or sorting out my mind. I end up drinking iced (coffee) drinks and reading. The intention unaccomplished, but I’ve got some pretty words and the unfolding of a fiction novel on my mind (If you’re wondering, I’m reading Vanishing Girls by Lauren Oliver & I do recommend it).
I miss sharing things that I love on the internet, I miss sharing my thoughts and pieces of myself. So I am easing myself into that, with paragraphs and free-writing. I shared my most recent post on Story Shaped Girl‘s Facebook page and invited a few more people to like the page, and for a few moments while I was sharing I forgot what I wrote about. Those few moments were suspended in time when I wondered what people are thinking, if they’re thinking about what I wrote and how I confessed myself and my fuzzy mind. Sometimes I don’t like exposing that side of myself because I feel like a fraud. Some part of my mind thinks I don’t have the right to have emotion issues, and so I shouldn’t just go around stating that I do (I do not just go around stating it, though). Somewhere in the course of my life I learned that speaking out about myself and my thoughts and opinions was wrong and not worth the hassle. I learned that I will upset other people by exposing myself. I don’t know where it came from, probably an accumulation of all things learned during life. I pick up experiences and file the reactions away as a way of remembering how to act differently. How to not bring up sensitive subjects to certain persons. How to fold into myself so I become neutral.
Someone recently told me “You need to respect the people you love enough to sometimes be uncomfortable”. I had to go back into my screen caps to find the exact quote, because in my head I kept thinking he was saying “You have to respect the people you love enough to make them uncomfortable.” In the end, it’s all about comfort, but there are two different ways of looking at those things. I tend to be looking out for the comfort of others, but maybe it’s just a way to protect myself from being uncomfortable.
So I don’t know where I’m going with all this. These are just thoughts, you know, the ones that sometimes tumble out from finger to keypad.
The photo above is from my Le Petite Prince planner, the one that’s neglected most of the time.