It’s Spring! Finally! I am sneezing like crazy, piling tissues up in my wastebasket and refusing to wear a jacket. Today my car said it was SEVENTY degrees. It was sunny. I spent time outside. Amazing.
And yet, I struggle. As awesome as the day was, I returned home physically exhausted and kind of complacent, a little discouraged. I can’t quite put a name to my emotions most of the time.
I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. For a long time I didn’t have name for it, or I was self diagnosing myself. For a while I went to therapy. I tried out different medications. Sometimes now I take supplements. I often read about suggestions. I’m always feeling guilty about my feelings. I feel like I don’t have a “right” to be depressed, because I know people who struggle so much more than I do, because they have real issues in their physical lives that would make anyone depressed. I try to rename my issues, explaining myself (in my head) as having emotional issues. That sounds better. It sounds less mental, and yet still real. Everyone understands emotions, to some extent, right?
Why am I bringing this up today? I’m not sure, really. I’m bringing it up because I want to work on these things. I want to try stuff out. I want to write about it. I want to get back to sharing myself and my words with people. And in order to do that, I need to start writing. While I decided to use this blog as a re-start, I think I may actually import my posts from melaniekristy.com. I’m not really sure yet. My mind is all over the place. (I’ve also self-diagnosed myself with ADD. And not in that flippant kind of way that everyone does. In the kind of way that is trying to tell you that my brain isn’t working properly, that I struggle with impulse control, focus, getting anything done and disorganization). I constantly feel like my mind is a mess. But I couldn’t explain to anyone what that really means. Sometimes I want to sit down and sort my mind out. I’m not really sure how to do that. I think writing it down and documenting it is a first step.
My friend Penny and I had this discussion last night. We are both on the same page, really, about our scattered, depressed minds. I want to start over. I want to start somewhere. I want to have prompts, to experience life and to explore myself. For a long time I’ve kind of lived in a shadow of the person I want to be, and for an equally long time I haven’t really had a good idea of who I want to be.
I am thirty years old now. It’s about time I figure something out.
I’m going to find myself, or insert other equally cliche terms here.
Care to join me? Help me? Follow along?
ps! If you haven’t done so already, please check out my new book blog! I haven’t posted much there lately but ideas are swarming around inside me. I just have to get them onto paper/ into this computer and spit them out onto the screen for you (and others!) to read.