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Beachy spring days & Deep thoughts from within the library

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I forgot to take a picture at the beach today. I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of beach pictures, especially mine with the same points of view. But I had to document the day. It’s been roughly 65 degrees and sunny all day. I didn’t need to wear a jacket or even sleeves. I’ve had the day off from making coffee, but instead I’ve been doing some errands and working on a presentation that’s due soon. I had to bring myself to the beach and sit there near the waves (okay, I admit, I didn’t leave my car – but I could still hear the waves). I usually go out to the beach with the intentions of thinking or sorting out my mind. I end up drinking iced (coffee) drinks and reading. The intention unaccomplished, but I’ve got some pretty words and the unfolding of a fiction novel on my mind (If you’re wondering, I’m reading Vanishing Girls by Lauren Oliver & I do recommend it).

I miss sharing things that I love on the internet, I miss sharing my thoughts and pieces of myself. So I am easing myself into that, with paragraphs and free-writing. I shared my most recent post on Story Shaped Girl‘s Facebook page and invited a few more people to like the page, and for a few moments while I was sharing I forgot what I wrote about. Those few moments were suspended in time when I wondered what people are thinking, if they’re thinking about what I wrote and how I confessed myself and my fuzzy mind. Sometimes I don’t like exposing that side of myself because I feel like a fraud. Some part of my mind thinks I don’t have the right to have emotion issues, and so I shouldn’t just go around stating that I do (I do not just go around stating it, though). Somewhere in the course of my life I learned that speaking out about myself and my thoughts and opinions was wrong and not worth the hassle. I learned that I will upset other people by exposing myself. I don’t know where it came from, probably an accumulation of all things learned during life. I pick up experiences and file the reactions away as a way of remembering how to act differently. How to not bring up sensitive subjects to certain persons. How to fold into myself so I become neutral.

Someone recently told me “You need to respect the people you love enough to sometimes be uncomfortable”. I had to go back into my screen caps to find the exact quote, because in my head I kept thinking he was saying “You have to respect the people you love enough to make them uncomfortable.” In the end, it’s all about comfort, but there are two different ways of looking at those things. I tend to be looking out for the comfort of others, but maybe it’s just a way to protect myself from being uncomfortable.

So I don’t know where I’m going with all this. These are just thoughts, you know, the ones that sometimes tumble out from finger to keypad.

xo

Melanie

The photo above is from my Le Petite Prince planner, the one that’s neglected most of the time.

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It’s spring and my mind is a mess

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It’s Spring! Finally! I am sneezing like crazy, piling tissues up in my wastebasket and refusing to wear a jacket. Today my car said it was SEVENTY degrees. It was sunny. I spent time outside. Amazing.

And yet, I struggle. As awesome as the day was, I returned home physically exhausted and kind of complacent, a little discouraged. I can’t quite put a name to my emotions most of the time.

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. For a long time I didn’t have name for it, or I was self diagnosing myself. For a while I went to therapy. I tried out different medications. Sometimes now I take supplements. I often read about suggestions. I’m always feeling guilty about my feelings. I feel like I don’t have a “right” to be depressed, because I know people who struggle so much more than I do, because they have real issues in their physical lives that would make anyone depressed. I try to rename my issues, explaining myself (in my head) as having emotional issues. That sounds better. It sounds less mental, and yet still real. Everyone understands emotions, to some extent, right?

Why am I bringing this up today? I’m not sure, really. I’m bringing it up because I want to work on these things. I want to try stuff out. I want to write about it. I want to get back to sharing myself and my words with people. And in order to do that, I need to start writing. While I decided to use this blog as a re-start, I think I may actually import my posts from melaniekristy.com. I’m not really sure yet. My mind is all over the place. (I’ve also self-diagnosed myself with ADD. And not in that flippant kind of way that everyone does. In the kind of way that is trying to tell you that my brain isn’t working properly, that I struggle with impulse control, focus, getting anything done and disorganization). I constantly feel like my mind is a mess. But I couldn’t explain to anyone what that really means. Sometimes I want to sit down and sort my mind out. I’m not really sure how to do that. I think writing it down and documenting it is a first step.

My friend Penny and I had this discussion last night. We are both on the same page, really, about our scattered, depressed minds. I want to start over. I want to start somewhere. I want to have prompts, to experience life and to explore myself. For a long time I’ve kind of lived in a shadow of the person I want to be, and for an equally long time I haven’t really had a good idea of who I want to be.

I am thirty years old now. It’s about time I figure something out.
I’m going to find myself, or insert other equally cliche terms here.
Care to join me? Help me? Follow along?

xo

Melanie

ps! If you haven’t done so already, please check out my new book blog! I haven’t posted much there lately but ideas are swarming around inside me. I just have to get them onto paper/ into this computer and spit them out onto the screen for you (and others!) to read.