I turned 30 last week.
I originally thought about posting that traditional post about all the things I’ve learned, or thirty things about something something something. In my experience that’s generally how the blogosphere handles birthdays, with advice and knowledge and wisdom. I’ve certainly made those types of posts before.
But this year, even though thirty is a big deal milestone type year (only because it’s a new decade, really. a new beginning to the overall number) I don’t feel like making a list of things I already know/ knew but needed to personally learn. I don’t feel like writing out the things I’ve posted about before, or forcing insightfulness where it’s not necessary. Nope.
Instead I want to tell you about time.
We view time as linear, it moves in a straight line further and further away from our start, someone’s start, The Start. We talk to ourselves about how time goes by so fast, and it’s already the next season, and what happened to age 29? But what if time doesn’t work like what? What if time slows down when we do things intentionally and pay attention? What if time becomes more valuable because of the way we live our lives?
So THIRTY is going to be about intention.
My time off is weird because I often don’t have weekends off like I used to, which are the days that everyone else has off. So often I’m off during the week and I’m not sure how I want to spend my time (though I know how I should be spending it). I recently texted a friend telling her that I wanted to be productive that day, and she asked me what I was hoping to accomplished. For some reason I hadn’t put the two together, as if in order to be productive I have to have a goal in mind. I’ve been spending a lot of time feeling a bit suspended and lost. I think it’s because either I’ve let my goals slide away (Ahem, like NaNoWriMo) or I just failed to make them.
I’m busy wandering, unsure of what to do with myself, even though there are things to be done. I forget who I am or who I want to be and fail to do the things to make me That Person. I don’t do yoga or dance or write or simplify/ declutter or try cooking a recipe or anything. I just don’t.
And so time, no matter if it’s moving forward or in circles, is just slipping away.
And suddenly I’m thirty. And I feel like I should have just turned twenty-five. I’m not sure where the years went, but there wasn’t much intention in them. I didn’t save the money I wanted to save, exercise the way I wanted to exercise or figure out how to eat in a way that works for me.
I just didn’t do these things.
And if you keep not doing the things that resonate with you, even if they’re hard, even if you have to force yourself to do them, even if they make you cry, then you’re not living with intention. You’re just surviving, drifting and suddenly the years are gone.
And that, my dears, is time. And how I feel in the beginning of my thirties. I hope that next year when I turn thirty-one I’ll feel a bit better about all this. We shall see.