Writing Into Empty Spaces

I miss the words and the thoughts and the love, oh the love, pouring out of me. I miss feeling like I have a purpose, a reason to put fingers to keys. I miss the urgency and the ideas. I miss all things writerly. Over the past few years I’ve experienced my itch to write diminish even more. I’m afraid if I scratch, it will be gone. I know we change and we mutate and we grow. I know we become different people all while staying who we are. I know that writing isn’t in the cards for everyone, and that I have a career that I’m nurturing and loving. I know all this.

But that doesn’t change the fact that when I sit down and think about it, I get sad that it’s been weeks since I’ve blogged. It’s been days since I’ve stopped and read through an entire article, a chapter, an episode without looking for a distraction in between. It’s been a long time since I’ve worked on a novel. In November I started something. In November I always start something. And then a few days, a week, later I stopped.

It’s unconscious at first. I might take a day off. I might get distracted or forget. And pretty soon it’s weeks or months later and I’m sitting here remembering the intentions I had. I feel like this about a lot of things. If I don’t get very specific and intentional about what I want, I lose track.

There are so many things that I want to do.

There are places I want to go, people I want to meet and experiences I want to have. I get distracted with all the ambitious thoughts. I get lost in myself and the research during times that I cannot actively do things. When I can’t cook, but I’m looking up recipes I add them to Pinterest. Forgotten. When I can’t write but I have a thought I add it to a list in a journal somewhere. Forgotten. When I can’t exercise, but I’d like to probably do yoga or start running, I add it to Pinterest. I look up techniques and blogs. And then it’s all forgotten.

I can’t quite figure out how to get myself to do things a lot of the time. It’s those in between moments when I’m inspired. I’m inspired in the shower or while I’m driving to work. I’m inspired by a song during a busy moment, or a YouTube channel when it’s almost bed time. And all of the empty space when I could be doing things. I could be writing or achieving or exercising or cooking? I can’t quite figure out what I do with that time.

I know, realistically, that I’m watching TV or reading or driving because I’m not sure what else to do with myself. I’m watching another YouTube channel, playing Best Fiends, or kind of sort of napping.

How do I get myself to do things when I can? I get distracted. I forget. I’m tired. I’m worn out. I don’t want to talk to people or exert myself. Distractions and forgetting are the hardest, and most common parts. I need lists. I need down time to think and organize. I need to figure out how my brain works, or else it doesn’t work. A lot of times I feel like it’s not working.

I can’t tell if there’s actually something wrong with the way my brain works, or how I work. I can’t tell if I’m lazy or normal. I can’t tell if my ambitions are too high for myself, or if they’re realistic and I’m just not doing the things. It comes in every way. I forget about laundry until I can’t find any pants. I forget that my car is a mess, even when that mess is right next to me, until I’m trying to squash another thing in the front seat where there’s no more room. I forget that I wanted to clean off my desk or try a new recipe or work out on Mondays and Wednesdays.

I think I’ve always been like this, though I used to write more. It used to be something that occupied my brain. It doesn’t anymore. But what occupies my brain? I have so much going on sometimes, so many different autopilot thoughts, that I can’t organize the contents. Some days I feel exhausted just by thinking. Some days I feel out of sorts and like I’m a mess, and it’s all because my brain can’t calm down and feel composed.

Is this what it’s like to be an adult? Is this how life works? Is there a reason I can’t see the mess in front of me, can’t remember that ONE thing I wanted to get done, can’t write because my mind won’t go in that direction? I know that your brain forms pathways, and the more frequently you think about certain things the deeper the paths. I wonder if somewhere along the line I just lost the mental capacity to write and to have ideas and passion for expressing myself. I wonder if some time when I was younger I allowed myself to forget the pathways to remember simple chores. I wonder if it’s part of something larger.

Some things that occupy my mind lately: Roller Derby though I don’t actually skate, food food food, Weight Watchers, how I should exercise, what I should post on my library instagram, a million stupid thoughts expressed on Facebook, Pinterest and how to get lost down the rabbit hole, how can I entertain myself this evening, how much money is in my bank account, did I pay that bill?, what am I doing tonight, what can I eat for dinner, where can I go to find new restaurants, a lot of Best Fiends, instagram instagram instagram, YouTube, water, drink more water, I’m tired of being tired, has anyone sent me an email? oh I was supposed to e-mail so and so, I think I’ll check Snapchat filters instead. Is anybody reading this? Did anybody ever read this? This all seems pointless, Hygge, why isn’t it Spring yet, what am I going to buy so and so for whatever, no I should probably not buy those leggings, I want to travel to all the places, food, food, instagram, Roller Derby, food cures, allergies, how to boost immune system.
bite sized reviews

Bite Sized Reviews: Daughter of Smoke And Bone

daughter of.jpg

Daughter of Smoke and Bone
Laini Taylor

Favorite character: Karou, of course. With natural blue hair and wishes. But also Akiva
Atmosphere: Prague with a hint of intrigue. Gritty and trendy.
Laini Taylor’s writing is lyrical and beautiful. I adore this story and all the layers to it. It’s about Chimera and Angels and humans. It mostly takes place in Prague but also elsewhere, where a life long war is brewing, ready to erupt into something larger.


2018 · Melanie Kristy · musings

On Cooking Cutter Worlds and Having Too Many Interests on the Internet

“When you live in a cookie cutter world being different you can’t win.” Weird – Hanson

What happens when you have too many interests? I’m in this world of blogging and instagramming and watching YouTube and everyone seems to have a niche, right? Everyone is a booktuber or has a fitstagram or something else. I keep alternating between thinking I should keep all my content here in this blog, and separating things out. I have a book blog, but I like posting things together. If you follow my Instagram, you might notice I post more food and health related images than anything else. I want to share everything with you. I want to share my loves and obsessions and books and thoughts.


I never fit into one box.
Sure, we all have phases. Some days I lean more toward being interested in bullet journals. Other days I’m obsessed with finding the perfect snacks. There are weeks when I spend too much time on Pinterest. My current obsession is roller skating. Not actually doing it (yet), but watching videos and wanting to join roller derby. I feel like I’m all over the place at times, and while I think that’s fine, I can’t quite figure out how to organize that into one space.


Blogging has certainly changed over the years. Many bloggers only blog with the intention of marketing and networking. Some blog to teach you how to blog. Others write reviews. Some people tell you about their days. I’m not sure why I’m listing all these things right now. Basically I’m a bit overwhelmed. Blogging used to be a diary of sorts. It used to be sharing. And now there are lots of different websites to share on, and different ways to connect. I kept thinking that I should start a YouTube channel, and maybe I will eventually, but right now my heart wants me to keep on typing. I want to reconnect with words. I suppose if I’m simply writing it doesn’t matter what I write about. If I’m not aiming to create some epic blog it doesn’t matter if I’m all over the place. If I don’t want my words to go far and do things, if I’m okay with writing for me and hoping that other people in enjoy then it’s okay to write about books and weight loss and travel all in one page.


I think transparency is a good thing to have on the internet these days. That’s why I’m telling you all this right now. I’ve been holding on to web addresses for so long, going months without using them and allowing myself to forget what writing feelings like. I’ve been focused on the wrong things. I look up ways to make Instagram more aesthetic, while thinking about buying new dishes just for my food pictures. I’ve struggled to think about what sort of tones I want my pictures to be. Cool and minimalist? Busy and colorful? Does it really matter? I’m not so sure.


Authenticity is something I strive for, but some days it feels like the Internet is not a fan of authenticity. It’s not a fan of you being you. It wants you to be yourself while seemingly perfect and also effortlessly creating an aesthetic that everyone adores. The Internet wants you to connect with people, but it also wants you to have your shit together and to know what you’re talking about before you burst forth with your thoughts. It wants you to give advice and make how-to posts. It wants you to not admit to your failures. It wants you to be perfectly PC or not PC at all, to appeal to every person while also taking a stand. The Internet wants you to know what you want and to go for it unabashedly while ignoring that fact that maybe you want to be everything. Maybe you want to do everything. Maybe the four walls surrounding one niche project are too dampening for your passion.


Maybe your passion lies everywhere.
2018 · new things

New Things! 34 before 34

I’ve tried this before and I’ll try this again. I’ve been inspired by past posts that Sarah Von Bargan of Yes and Yes and Xandra of Heroine Training have made. It’s a birthday list of new things to be accomplished/ experienced before your next birthday. The best part is there’s no pressure to finish these things. You can carry them over if you want. But the intention is put out there, and I like that.

So here’s my list. My birthday is in November, so I feel like I should have made this list a couple months ago, but I still think I can do a lot of these things before then.

  1. Complete draft one of currently novel – I suppose this isn’t a new new thing, as I’ve completed novels before, but it’s been a long time, and I feel like this is a BIG novel. Maybe the novel. We shall see.
  2. Read a Jane Austen novel – this was part of my summer plans, and it didn’t happen. Maybe this upcoming summer!
  3. Get paid for my writing. Blogging, freelancing, whatever! We’ll see!
  4. Take a barre class
  5. Visit Canada
  6. Start a bullet journal (and keep up with it)
  7. try Miracle berries
  8. go to a trampoline park
  9. hike a mountain – I have my eyes set on Mount Greylock in the Berkshires of MA, also home to the Ilvermorny – the American School for Witchcraft and Wizardry
  10. take a pole dancing class
  11. celebrate seasons changing – by hosting a party or taking part in other festive celebrations
  12. see (and hopefully photograph) snowy owls
  13. attempt at Whole 30
  14. make pickles
  15. try different trendy lattes. Charcoal, Turmeric, Beet, Unicorn, Matcha
  16. eat at Blackie’s Bulldog Tavern 
  17. Marie Kondo some of my life
  18. bake or cook something with flowers
  19. visit a free little library
  20. make goat cheese
  21. go to a roller derby bout
  22. do a planned out Random Act of Kindness activity, maybe participate in The Birthday Project
  23. participate in guerrilla gardening
  24. go letterboxing
  25. get a picture of my aura taken
  26. start a YouTube channel
  27. finish watching Doctor Who
  28. Implement a daily morning and night routine
  29. Document my life through Leap Second
  30. blog at least three days a week, consistently, for the whole year – this isn’t really a “new thing” so much as it’s an experience in consistency that I’d like to follow through on
  31.  Pick one type of food/ dish each month to master – can be variations on the same dish or a different type of dish (for example January: smoothie bowls)
  32. Participate in a one month spending fast
  33. grow herbs and then eat them/ cook with them
  34. lose 75 pounds

Goodbye 2017

What a fucking year.

The word for 2017 was Magic. I used this word when I needed to calm myself, and when I needed to remind myself of anything. I won free lularoe leggings for a year, and I won an essential oil diffuser. Winning, for me, is magic. I’ve learned more about magic, taken a class by Gala Darling and started slowly incorporating magic and energy into my life. It’s not perfect and I’m nowhere near where I want to be, but it’s a thing.

I climbed the Pilgrim Monument in Provincetown, MA, which is something I had wanted to do for years.

2017 was the year of halo top. It was the year of essential oils, zucchini noodles and Sarah J Maas novels. And YouTube. A lot of YouTube.

I lost one of my favorite people.

I watched two of my friends get married (not to each other). I celebrated birthdays with two different toddlers. I met a beautiful baby girl during her first day on earth.

I nursed heartache that still plagues me, went on some odd dates, and met a guy who I spent sixish weeks dating. I still think about him sometimes. Not in a way where I want to date him, but just because he is a sweet, unique guy.

I joined weight watchers, left it for low carb/ keto then joined weight watchers again. I’m down 30 pounds from where I was a year ago, but I had been down as much as 43 and I’ve learned a few things about weight. For me, five- ten pounds isn’t much to lose or gain. I’ve learned that I just need to do something and stick with it. I need to keep at it and eventually I’ll get though here.

I saw Hanson live a few times. I met Maggie Stiefvater. I completed my Goodreads challenge of 53 books.

Travel. I filled my wanderlust. I went to Vermont, Oklahoma, Tennessee, New York and South Carolina.

My book club has continued to thrive. I’ve reconnected with old friends and strengthened bonds with others. I’ve become increasingly more unfiltered about different topics with some people.

In the middle of the summer I was hired for my dream position – YA librarian. It’s been a rollercoaster of working in reference and trying to figure out what being a YA Librarian in my current library means to me. I’m still working on it. We are working on what we have to offer teens. In a way I feel like I haven’t quite started yet.

Ive gone to tons of trivia nights and won lots of those nights.

I’ve learned how to make a little extra money with surveys and different online apps. I’ve struggled with having my finances be extra tight, and I’ve struggled with spending all the money when it’s not tight. I’m still trying to figure out what money means to me, and how I can take back control of it. It is an ongoing process but I feel like I keep getting closer.

Last night I set up my bullet journal for a new adventure in 2018. Today I joined the YMCA. I’ve decided on some things I want to do next year. I’m so ambitious, and I want to follow through with all my thoughts.

I’m grateful for so many things. In 2017 I’ve tried to make a habit of making gratitude lists, and I’m going to continue that habit in 2018. I watched a video where someone was saying that one year they wrote down one specific good thing about their day, every day for a year. I love that so much that I’m doing to adopt it.

See you in 2018, everyone.

It’s only minutes away.

2017 · books

Gift Guide For Your Bookish Friends

It’s that time of year again! Everyone is scrambling to find the perfect gift, or maybe they’re just scrambling to get a gift. Maybe you just want something for yourself. Never fear, I have a few suggestions!

A bookish subscription box – There are hundreds of you to choose from. I’m a personal fan of Owlcrate, but it’s also the only subscription box I’ve had. I also want to try Unicorn Crate and Fairyloot

cards against muggles

Cards Against Muggles – A for-you-to-download Harry Potter themed version of Cards Against Humanity.

Anything from Out of Print Clothing. T-shirts, jewelry, pencil cases and sweatshirts galore, all inspired by awesome literature.

Candles inspired by your favorites. I love A Court of Candles first because the name is inspired by the A Court of Thorns and Roses series (I think!) and second because the designs are gorgeous. Both of these images are from the A Court of Candles site, because I don’t have any of my own yet!

Bookish Tea. There are lots of shops to choose from. First Edition Tea Co. is the first I’ve tried!


Novel Destinations: Second Edition: A Travel Guide to Literary Landmarks From Jane Austen’s Bath to Ernest Hemingway’s Key West – This literary guide takes you around the world to different places that exist in real life, but you may be familiar with them because of novels.

Even though I’d like one of all of these, I’m also trying to be mindful of my possessions and pare down what I down a bit. So I’d have to say the best gifts are experiences. Buy you girl tickets to see Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, take your guy friend on a tour of Shakespeare’s house, plan a trip to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Make memories, take pictures and enjoy yourself. I find having experiences, especially with people you love, are so much better than buying something that’ll sit on a shelf. (And yes, I realize all these experiences are very BIG. Instead you can use the Novel Destinations book you bought to find something more local and explore!).

What would you like for the holidays?